…and with one last painful tug, I pulled the second ring out of my nose with a pair of tweezers and threw it on the counter beside its neighbor. I can’t have any metal on me for my MRI, and the idea of taking out my noserings hadn’t occurred to me before… But for some reason, this simple act solidified everything that’s been going on the past couple of months: something is happening in my brain, causing seizures, and nobody seems to be able to say why yet. as positive as my outlook usually is, it seems like my best option at this point is to have epilepsy, and that’s killing me. So… I collapse into my mom’s arms and bawl. Body shaking tears streaming down my face and onto her shoulder, as it’s all of a sudden sinking in that I can’t brush this off or laugh it away… Still hoping for the best, but I needed to vent…

I’ve been going through some pretty serious medicAL issues lately… a sudden onslaught of migraines in February, ending the month with an all out grand mal seizure (walking through the kitchen, passed out, seized for several minutes, and woke up in an ambulance)… recurrent headaches everyday… bad reactions to the medicine I was put on… AND another seizure this past Saturday, parts of which I remember… one of the scariest experiences I’ve ever had. No doctor seems to be able to put a finger on what exactly is going on… so my days are lived in paranoia, where each twitch of my hand makes me wonder if it’s a reaction to the medicine or if I’m going to have another seizure soon… and what’s the verdict? Do I have epilepsy? My mom was talking to me about it the other night and my heart broke… the idea of wearing a medical bracelet around all the time… the idea that my kids would always have to list “epilepsy” in their family medical history… I feel like I’m damaged goods now. I had a hard enough time finding a relationship when I was quote/unquote “normal”… now I get to look for someone who wants to deal with this shit on top of everything else? 

I realize things could be a lot worse. Always. This is my venting session. I can’t play right now which is driving me crazy. At first it was because of vision problems due to my medicine… Now it’s because I’m having muscle problems on my left side, hopefully due to my new medicine… 

There’s a lot more to say on the subject but my hand is hurting too badly to keep typing… I’m trying to figure out when and how my life turned into this…?Still… I realize how blessed I am in a million areas in my life… and I appreciate all the love, prayers, and well wishes being thrown my way. 

Oh, Tumblr… How I’ve missed you! 

I had a crazy busy end of the year after finishing up with my November Project tasks of doing an act of kindness everyday… then planning and executing my CD release party for my first EP that just came out… then end of the year holidays and festivities and birthdays (mine, naturally) and finally… finally… I’m back. 

I hung up my vision board for the year today. A friend of mine was texting me the other week and asked how much of what I put on the board last year got accomplished. Umm… everything! With the exception of getting a Mac laptop… which I WILL get this year… everything on my board got completed. In my vision board’s defense, my label Nascent Republic Records got hooked into the iTunes family this year, so we now get a discount on Apple products. This in itself in a roundabout way could hook into the Mac thing on the board. Anyway… enough vagueness. 

This year I want to give, give, give. I’m so fortunate with the talents I’ve been blessed with and the job that pays my bills so well… The different acts of kindness everyday in November really made me think about how something so small can mean so much to another person. And moreso, I know I’ve mentioned it before in some blog somewhere, that a friend of mine once said… “It’s just what we should do for other human beings. Whatever we can…” Or however it was phrased, and that idea has stuck with me for over a year now. How beautiful would it be if people did whatever they COULD do for other people… simply because it’s what we as human beings SHOULD do for each other? It’s a strong sentiment, with the opportunity for huge results. So that’s what I’m focusing my 2011 on. DOING things for others.

I in no way would ever do kindness to get kindness… but it’s funny how gratitude attracts gratitude… love attracts love… after my slight shift in mentality because of the work I did in November… I swear I’ve financially had a better late part of the year than ever before, and that’s even with dropping a shift at work. The November Project wasn’t cheap… I know I could’ve gone with less expensive options… but it played out how it did, and I can attest to the saying that the more you give, the more you receive. Which just makes me want to give and do more. It’s a pretty beautiful cycle, actually. 

I’m on the right path in life. I’m grateful for where I am and excited for where I’m going. Hope the same is true for you. 

The past two days of The November Project… Yesterday for Thanksgiving I felt out of place, being in Johnson City with my mom’s side of the family instead of my dad’s… But I ended up meeting up with some dear friends from high school, practically family, for drinks— and bought us some chips, salsa, and queso. Cop out, I know.

Today my mom and I drove to DC and had dinner with my brother before his play at The Keegan Theater tonight. We had to kill some time in between when he had to be here and when we could come, so we wandered into a CVS. A homeless man out front asked for spare change on our way in, so I came out with a bag of food for him. Two cans of chicken, wheat thins, a box of fruit and nut bars, raspberry zingers, chocolate zingers, and a big bottle of water. It was all I bought in there, and warmed my heart to hand over the bag when I came out. Not too many days left… Watch out, Washington!

Acts of kindness are more difficult when I’m out of town and only leave the house to run to the grocery store. I don’t consider holding doors open for people and letting others go in front of you acts of kindness… I consider that human decency. So! For today, I brought a movie with me that a sweet friend of mine mentioned she would love to own… and lo and behold, I happen to have it in my collection. I wasn’t able to give it to her today, but I’ll drop it by tomorrow. And count it for today. Because I’m making the rules to this 30 days of kindness task. :)

I’m exhausted. And trying to convince myself I’m not under the weather. Until tomorrow…

Today’s act of kindness was to write a letter of encouragement to a friend of a friend who is battling cancer. I don’t know her… but words are a powerful force. Maybe you would like to write one too? Get at me if you feel so inclined. 

Again… new perspective abounds.